I have been at my boyfriend's apartment by myself today, and did some thinking. I, at the cost of sounding like a jerk, have to say that I don't need anyone to like me, be my friend, or anything of the sort. I do, as everyone else does, want people to talk to and what not, but i don't need these people to survive. I have spent so much time alone, and dealing with things alone that I've learned to do with out people. I feel like this may be taking a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend. The thing is; that i deal with things alone, i sort things out within myself. Its nothing personal its just the way I am. I feel like he thinks that there are things I'm not telling him. I guess hes right, but they are things that happened to me. things that i just cant bring myself to talk about, or try to deal with. i am dealing with these things by myself, as i always have. I know he wants to be there for me and to talk things out, but i don't do that. I try, but i find myself just being quiet and keeping it to myself. I am used to dealing with things alone, its hard for me to let other people in completely i have been disappointed and let down more than any one I've ever met. So, i guess i do have trust issues and i do lock people out. That's who i am, and as time progresses i will let him in. Right now? no... I don't think i could do it. Its SO much easier to just lock him out of me then stress of what will happen when i let him in. I have learned the hard way that people are never what they seem, and that most of them will always let you down and make you feel like the whole world is falling to pieces and that you will never feel normal again. I already feel like an outsider, like somebody who just has friends to not look so weird... I am not into cliques, or social normality... but being completely who you are leaves you vulnerable, something that i am not willing to be for anybody. i tried that with one man, and i ended up spending 6 months considering moving to the middle of no where and never talking to people again. I guess i am scared of what letting people in will do to me. I am scared of this feeling that Vincent gives me, this love thing. I told myself that i would never be in love again after the guy i dated awhile back. and so where i go from here? that's any one's guess, for now though, i will keep myself a loner dealing with things without help from others.... well goodnight for now... P.s.- In case my Boyfriend ever reads this, i do love him Very much, and trust him as much as i can, but i am still broken from the past and healing that will take some time. longer than what it has been. and I hope we have all that time and more together.
Me, myself and I,
*&*Uninhibited Star Child*&*